Faxed to the senator after his torture vote.
Dear Senator Box Turtle:
Despite the astonishing record of your speeches and votes, not to mention your moral views on turtle marriage, I keep promising myself I will not be taken by surprise by anything you might say, do, or vote for. But, alas, you are always ready to go the extra mile in the Republican Long March back to the 12th century.
You forced me to break my promise to myself most recently when, last night, you joined 8 other members of the primeval-ooze faction of your party in voting for torture.
Now, I realize that Primeval Ooze Republicans consider anything to the left of Savonarola to be Marxism, but I had not until now realized that even this faction of your party would in fact advocate that America join the peculiar company of Attila the Hun, Tamur the Lame, and Genghis Khan in our treatment of captives.
But indeed even more surprising, in the light of that vote, is Ooze Faction on-the-record opposition to the release of the photos and videotapes of the torture that you have now so clearly demonstrated, by your vote, that you approve of.
If indeed you believe in punishing evil-doers by pulping their thighs with clubs until they are dead, and in the intelligence-gathering utility of Army-issue sodomy of captured Arab boys, why do you wanna keep it a secret? Why are Primeval Ooze Republicans so irrationally against the release of the torture photos and videotapes currently held (and suppressed) by what I, personally, am sad to have to call our Government?
Don't you think we need to let Americans, and the world, know what America is coming to stand for under the guidance of the Primeval Ooze faction of your party? In the light of your own ideology, it makes no sense to suppress the record of the torture.
Bring it to the light of day, and then you and the other members of your faction could finally come out, and wear that "Primeval and Proud" lapel button openly, and to the acclaim it deserves.